It’s officially bikini season and that means I’m on the hunt for the newest diet. But this year, I created my own: The Dollhouse Diet. The Dollhouse Diet will be the newest diet craze to sweep the nation. What’s this new soon-to-be-diet fad, you ask? It’s the cutest form of portion control you’ve ever seen. Everybody loves tiny things (insert penis joke here. Get it? I said insert). I mean, have you seen this video of a tiny hamster eating a tiny burrito?
Just look at that tiny carrot (see photo, above). It’s almost too cute to eat, right? On The Dollhouse Diet, you’ll get to eat tiny food ALL DAY. Your regular knife will cut that carrot into unsightly, mangled slices… not perfectly even, gorgeous, miniature slices. So, feel free to buy tiny knives, plates and cups fit for a dollhouse. OK, let’s talk about how the diet actually works.
Benefits of the diet:
Obviously, because the vegetables are so tiny, you will be forced to eat reasonable amounts of food. By the time you’ve carefully sliced your tomatoes, gingerly added miniature balls of mozzarella and specks of basil to your caprese salad, your stomach will have eaten itself and you’ll need less amounts of salad. Plus, in order to get entirely full, you’ll have to make approximately seven million caprese salads and ain’t nobody got time for that. You’ll probably call it quits around the 1,560th caprese salad and your dishwasher will thank you (since you’re the dishwasher, because your automatic dishwasher would lose all those tiny plates).
You want a tiny banana split? Go for it? You want a cookie? Bake away! You might want to dig into your kids’ toy sets to find that miniature mixer (do they actually have miniature playset mixers? I’d like one) in order to whip up that carrot cake. If you don’t have a tiny mixer, grate your carrot over your contact case, carefully sprinkle some flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking soda, salt — and that tiny robin’s egg you stole from the nest outside (good work!) and mix away. You’ll have to get crafty to create a baking dish, but tin foil will work in a pinch. Bonus: You won’t have to wait long for your carrot cake to bake! Using some cream cheese specks you found from scraping the remains from your neighbor’s recycled cream cheese tub, whip up some frosting. Using a tiny whisk, add some sprinkles of powdered sugar and a few drops of vanilla extract to create the frosting of your dreams — you can even lick the whisk, don’t hold back.
This diet is all about changing the way you interact with food. It’s so easy to get into the mindless habit of slicing, dicing and chopping that we hardly pay attention to what food we’re actually eating. The Dollhouse Diet changes that. Because you’re forced to slow down and use things like tweezers, tiny knives and eyedroppers, you’ll get to appreciate what food you’re really putting into your mouth. People have become such mindless eaters these days, shoveling handfuls of chips and dip into their mouths, followed by an entire brownie. Some people even “eat their feelings,” which is a disgusting habit where sad people who hate themselves eat foods such as ice cream, chicken wings or In-N-Out burgers until they can no longer feel, or move. Others prefer to “drink their feelings,” which is where they consume massive amounts of alcohol in order to no longer feel, thus forgetting for a moment about their sad, pathetic lives and the fact that they’re probably fat.
Speaking of drinking your feelings, alcohol is allowed on this diet. But, you must drink your wine out of a tiny wine glass — and why would you miss an opportunity to use a tiny glass anyway? Using an eyedropper, measure out microscopic amounts of liquid into your miniature wine glass. Drink away! You’ll be able to drink Ned from the office under the table. Did you say six glasses of wine? Try 16,000!
The Dollhouse Diet will save you thousands of dollars! Everybody needs to save money these days, thanks to the economy — and the best way to save is by eating less. Because there is (sadly) no such thing as cows the size of a nickel, this diet means you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on steak — only hundreds of pennies. If you feel silly asking your local meat guy for a dime-sized portion of that bison steak, do what I do: Go to your local fast food joint. Bring your tweezers and some vials to pick the tiny food specks out of the wrappers from people’s discarded hamburgers. If you’re eating food scraps from your neighbor’s recycling, or meat from your local fast-food joint, you’re obviously going to be able to use your portion of your paycheck on what really matters: Netflix.
If you want to save even more money — and have a hand in where your food comes from — you could grow your tiny vegetables yourself in a window box. If a window box isn’t available to you as an option (because you’re lazy), ask your local farmer’s market if they can spare some premature vegetables for you. They might even give them to you for free! If that doesn’t work, lots of fancy restaurants are using tiny vegetables as a garnish on their dishes, so just go into a restaurant and ask diners if you can take their garnishes. People always push the garnish aside anyway (I’m looking at you parsley), so the diners shouldn’t mind at all.
The Dollhouse Diet is cheap, healthy and will get you into your bikini in no time. Plus, you get to look at tiny vegetables all day. Really, what more could you ask for?