i really need a picnic blanket

B and I have officially been on the road for almost two full months now. Glamour camping aka glamping is a thing and we are making glamour homeless aka glomeless a thing. We’ve ended up camping about three times on the weekend, which is actually a lot less often than we thought we’d be camping, considering we’re homeless. We’re lucky that we have nice friends and family who are willing to take us in or let us camp in their backyard. We figured out about one week in that we’d over packed and brought too many clothes, but we had the room in the car, so it wasn’t a big deal. One thing we totally and completely failed to pack or even consider to pack, though? A picnic blanket. We don’t have camp chairs, or a blanket, or anything for sitting around in when we are actually camping. And maybe that’s because we were firmly in denial about how often we’d be camping or decided that we’re tough enough to go backpacking without chairs, so we don’t need them.But sometimes, when you wake up at 6 a.m. and it’s already 80 degrees outside and you don’t get to just sleepily climb into your car and drive home to your couch and air conditioning, not having something comfortable to sit in like chairs feels different.

we need a picnic blanket always overthinking it

Especially when you attempt to drive to a park to find shade and have to lie on the grass sans blanket. It’s nostalgic and kind of fun to lie on your back with grass poking you and ants crawling on you while you stare at the clouds. For about five minutes. After your butt gets wet from damp grass and the ants start biting you and your husband is somehow snoring peacefully away next to you on the grass ignoring the ants, you start to contemplate dragging your sleeping bag and sleeping pad from the car. But sitting in a park on your sleeping bag screams I’m-actually-homeless-and-cops-might-make-us-move as opposed to my-husband-and-I-opted-to-travel-and-are-homeless-on-the-weekends-but-live-in-a-hotel-most-of-the-time-homeless. We’ve ended up at a few parks in the middle of the day on the weekend, me with a book or my phone and B asleep beside me. Gypsy plays fetch for about 10 minutes and then decides lying in the grass sounds nice, too. Except for that one time we sat on a picnic table to avoid the ants and brutally hot sun and there was glass all around the picnic table so B made Gypsy sit with me on top of the picnic table. Which was totally fine until Gypsy started stretching and accidentally rolled over sideways off the edge of the picnic table and onto the ground. [She was fine, by the way, but we both felt like horrible dog owners and couldn't really laugh at the time. Right now, I'm picturing it, though -- and it was really funny. She bounced perfectly off of the bench underneath the table top and ended up landing on her feet.]

So, a picnic blanket. We need one.

I started looking at cute picnic blankets and they’re all $50 and up. Which, honestly, sounded like a lot to me. I mean, $50 for a picnic blanket?? I’m going to use it a few times a year, maybe five, which means I’d have to use it 10 times to get my money’s worth. Ugh. I’m not even going to use them for their actual purpose of having a picnic, at least not anytime soon. I mean, I guess if I had one, maybe we’d eat our lunch on it? I don’t know.

beg bicycles wool picnic blankets

beg bicycles picnic

This photo (from Beg Bicycles) is really cute, but almost TOO cute, you know? I love it, but my bike doesn’t look like that and my bike is currently in storage, along with my car that now has a dead battery because B and I didn’t really think the whole leaving a car in storage for a month thing through. We’re geniuses, clearly.

travel picnic blanket
travel picnic blanket open
This picnic blanket DIY from Tried and True is awesome and I could probably even manage to make it on a weekend at a craft-friendly house. In the DIY she says she used a canvas from Home Depot for $10, which is right up my price range but also sounds not so fun to sit on. It’s less “picnic” and more “drop cloth for painting.”

tote picnic blanket brit.co

I love this convertible tote bag picnic blanket from Brit.Co. It’s my favorite picnic blanket option, but it would be much more time consuming to make and would involve finding my sewing machine which isn’t likely to happen, but I love how stowable this blanket is. I’d probably just end up using it as a purse because I like having everything handy. I stockpile napkins in the glovebox and announce every time B needs one how convenient it is that SOMEONE was thoughtful enough to keep napkins on hand just in case. I also would like to carry a fold up camp fork in my purse because you just never know when you need to eat something right this second like ice cream. So far I’ve refrained from the fork, but only because I’m almost always in the car, along with my camp fork.

pendleton picnic blanket

OK, these Pendleton blankets are pretty much the picnic blanket of all picnic blankets. Like the Louboutin is to expensive heels, the Pendleton is to picnic blankets. They look nice and comfy, but since I’m already balking at paying $50 for a picnic blanket, you can bet your ass there is no way I’m going to spend $150. But I’d take one as a gift. I would picnic the shit out of that blanket. I’d wine and dine that blanket. I would order room service and sit on our picnic blanket in the hotel room (jk, that’s just wasteful).

Mexican picnic blanket

I love these Mexican blankets for picnic blankets because they’re relatively sturdy and grass doesn’t typically poke through (isn’t that the worst?). Plus, they’re a steal for $13. However, they’re usually weird dimensions and longer than they are wider, instead of square… the way a picnic blanket should be, right? They’re the type of blanket that seems made for a solo picnic and you can only lie up and down, not sideways, the only way to accurately look at clouds. So maybe I could buy two and sew them together? Or just put them side by side, fine. [You want to hear something funny? I actually have one of these blankets in storage. Somewhere. I bought one to use as a yoga blanket for shoulder stands and I packed it up. Oops.]

Maybe I’ll just steal a hotel sheet. What do you use for picnics? Do you have a designated blanket, or do you just take whatever’s artfully draped over the back of the couch? Do people drape blankets over couch backs anymore? Is that still a thing? Please advise.

the coolest cooler

Oooooh sorry, but have you seen the Coolest cooler? It comes with a blender! So you can make margaritas and store beer and drinks and food (it has a divider) and you can charge your phone and play music! I want one. We have no room in the car, but I want one.

sand dunes colorado always overthinking it

sand dunes in colorado and we’re home again

Did you know that in the southern part of Colorado there’s a very confused beach with no ocean? There are sand dunes right in the middle of mountains. Talk about an identity crisis.

sand dunes always overthinking it

sand dunes meets sky always overthinking it

Gypsy likes sand as much as she likes snow (a lot). She ran down this dune and I made her run back up so I could get a better picture (she was happy to oblige, as far as I could tell).

sand dunes sign always overthinking it

B let me borrow his shirt because mine was dirty and this may or may not be day two of me wearing this exact same oufit.

sand dunes with mountains always overthinking it

hoover dam always overthinking it

This would be day three wearing this outfit…

hoover dam from bridge always overthinking it

The first time I drove across the Hoover Dam was seven years ago and I had no idea they’d built another bridge. When I drove across it, you had to slow down for a bunch of pedestrians, but you got a sweet view of the dam. Now, you have to drive down to the viewing area. Which is safer, I guess, but also lame.

B and I are back home in California, though saying “home” sounds weird when we don’t actually have a home. I’m still in vacation mode and keep doing handstands and falling over onto the bed, hoping for inspiration. Because handstands bring inspiration, duh.

crested butte aspen wildflowers always overthinking it

vacation, all i ever wanted

My family and I spent this past week vacationing in Crested Butte. My oldest sister lived and worked in Crested Butte for a few years and my older sister went to school in Gunnison at Western State, so I used to go to Crested Butte/Gunnison all the time when I was younger, but our family hadn’t been back in years. Crested Butte is so beautiful, especially in the summer. There are mountains all around and lakes and wildflowers and holy crap I wish we could move there.

The minute we walked in the door of the rental house my dad was generous enough to rent, my older sister announced she and the rest of her family, including my niece and nephew, was having a no-screens vacation. I was immediately game and set my phone down for the rest of the trip. I was secretly grateful for our no-screen vacation because it meant I had more time to go mountain biking, rafting, hiking, fishing, reading and just being on vacation.

b and gypsy always overthinking it

These two.

crested butte mountains always overthinking it

I’m pretty sure I could have this be my backyard.

emerald lake temporary snow cave crested butte

One day, we drove up to Emerald Lake to look for crystals and explored a temporary snow cave.

dollar lake crested butte always overthinking it

Another day, we drove to Lost Lake to hike and fish.

fishing lost lake always overthinking it

I didn’t catch anything.

mountains crested butte always overthinking it

These mountains, though.

poppies crested butte always overthinking it

How do these poppies get so big? They look fake.

This was the first vacation besides Christmas that my whole family has been together and it was so much fun. We played cards, listened to music, traded books and drank a lot. I’m sad to be driving back to our non-existent home. I wish Colorado were closer so we could visit more often.

Where’s your favorite place to vacation?

mt. bierstadt summit always overthinking it

climbing mt. bierstadt

This week, B and I are on vacation with my family in Colorado! We’re currently in Denver waiting for the rest of the family to arrive before we all head down to Crested Butte. B and I got here a few days early so we could have more time to visit Colorado. Two nights ago, we drove up Guanella Pass to go camping and climbing.

rekindling a fire 2 always overthinking it

The spot we camped in had a fire ring with a smoldering fire (um… dangerous) so B rekindled it. We made sure to put it out because hello, safety. Also, Smokey the Bear would be upset if we hadn’t.

rekindling a fire always overthinking it

I helped.

camp food can be good always overthinking it

B and I have been doing a lot of camping — and have mostly used it as an excuse to eat Top Ramen. But the other night, I was in the mood for real food. We bought crackers, goat cheese, smoked salmon and green olives from the new Whole Foods in Frisco and it was one of the best camp meals I’ve had in a long time.

view of mt. bierstadt from parking lot always overthinking it

The next morning, we woke up at 5 a.m. to climb Mt. Bierstadt.

mt. bierstadt always overthinking it

Mt. Bierstadt is a relatively easy climb, as far as 14ers go. There is some scrambling near the top, but other than that, the trail is well maintained and the views are pretty unbeatable.

view from mt. bierstadt always overthinking it

Like I said, the views are unbeatable.

mt. bierstadt summit always overthinking it

Somebody brought a sign with them and let us borrow it to take a picture.

mt. bierstadt summit view always overthinking it

Gypsy had fun and bagged her second 14er (her first was Mt. Elbert, the tallest 14er in Colorado).

mt. bierstadt wildflowers always overthinking it

Unfortunately, on my way down my knee started hurting. I figured it would, but didn’t care because I’m clearly a moron. I kept having to take stretch breaks. The wildflowers were so pretty, though, I didn’t mind.

The book that we had said Mt. Bierstadt was 9.7 miles, but our book is old so it might be less. We originally planned to hike Mt. Evans from Mt. Bierstadt (it’s only 1.4 miles extra), but the clouds were rolling in pretty fast, so we changed our mind. It started raining as soon as we got back to the parking lot, so I’m really glad we didn’t push on. If you live in the Denver area (or are visiting), I highly recommend this hike. If you can, I would recommend going on a weekday because we were there on a Monday and it was surprisingly crowded.

Pretty sweet way to start vacation.

PS: If I go missing, send out a search party. My family may have killed me.

MRI lost my hearing always overthinking it

that time i had an MRI and lost all my hearing

I had an MRI the other day and holy shit you guys, those things are LOUD. I’ve had knee problems since I was in junior high and though I went to a doctor and physical therapist when I was younger, nothing really helped and I’ve just sort of been suffering and trying to get by. I finally decided to go see a doctor since the last time I went to one for my knee was 14 years ago and I figured we’ve probably made some advances in the medical field I should take advantage of. The doctor I saw referred me to a place to go get an MRI and I was really excited. I’ve always wanted an MRI because I’m secretly convinced I have cancer and if I could get an MRI on a yearly basis, I would (most likely) be less crazy and paranoid. Unfortunately, I didn’t know that because I was only getting an MRI on my knees, I wouldn’t get a full body scan (plus, I don’t think the machine scanned anything else besides my legs. I’m still not sure how that worked). So I probably still have an undetected tumor and my hypochondriac plan failed. However. I’m kind of glad, because as I said before typing this whole rambly paragraph: MRIs are loud.

Before I went into the machine, the woman gave me some earplugs and said, “Here you go, the machine is kind of loud.” Then she left me alone to be stuffed into a machine that was so loud it sounded like I was at a rock dubstep concert to see a band consisting of two robots screaming at each other and a Mack truck honking into my ear. If you would like to re-enact this experience, put on some headphones and play rock music as loud as possible. Put a bucket over your head and hit the bucket with hammers at random intervals. Also, if you could have a goose scream at you when you aren’t expecting it, that would be ideal.

Every time the machine moved me further inside, the noise stops and then starts up again — and I would jump every time. Not only that, but directly above my head there is a sign that reads DO NOT LOOK AT LASER. I’m convinced I’m going to burn my eyeballs out because when I’m told not to do something, I immediately want to do it because I’m basically a five year old. Every time the machine stops, I peek and see if the technician has come to rescue me, then I see the sign about laser-burning and I squeeze my eyes shut again. After about 15 minutes of torture, I finally get to come out to do the other side. Yeah. The other side. Normally, the MRI would just do both knees at once, but apparently the place I went to is short on supplies so they have to switch legs and I have to do the whole thing all over again. When the technician comes back in to switch sides, I tell her, “Well that was mildly unpleasant.”

“Oh no, really? I’m sorry”
“It was just so LOUD.”
“OH! Do you want a pair of headphones to wear?”

UM. OF COURSE I WANT HEADPHONES TO WEAR, ARE YOU CRAZY??!

“Yeah, that would be awesome.”

The second time through was much more pleasant and the only thing missing from my robot rock concert was a beer. They should let you drink beer while getting an MRI. No wonder they asked me if I got claustrophobic. What they should’ve asked was, “Do you have an aversion to loud, repeating noises?” Although maybe they figured I’d be fine with the headphones.

Afterward, I texted my dad and asked him why he didn’t warn me about how loud MRIs were.

“Hmmm. I don’t remember mine being loud. Yours was probably busted.”

Gee, thanks dad.

Have you ever had an MRI? Was it loud? Or is my dad right, was mine busted?

the holiday breakup guide

holiday breakup guide always overthinking it

Courtesy of: Writing Prompts | Tumblr

I came across this graph that shows breakups and how they correlate to holidays, according to Facebook. After studying the graph, I’ve come to the following conclusions about what type of people break up with their significant others (or one-night stands) around these particular holidays.

Valentine’s Day
There are three type of people who break up with someone on Valentine’s Day.
1. You really like hair gel.
2. You made the mistake of hooking up with a Kelly-from-The-Office clinger.
3. You finally snapped after getting those gross boxes of chocolates from your boyfriend (AGAIN).

If you’re type one, you think you’re amazing but you’re actually a douche. If you’re type two, breaking it off was probably a good idea. If you’re type three, you have my deepest sympathies. Those boxes of chocolates are fucking gross.

Spring Break
Aww, sweetie pie. You think that you can do better and you don’t want to be tied down while you go party in Cancun and drink way too many margaritas. Not only are you going to come home with an STD from living the YOLO lifestyle, but you’re also going to go through life never being satisfied and you’ll die alone. You should take a good long look in the mirror and figure out how attractive you actually are — both inside and out — before you break up with the only person who will ever love you.

April Fool’s Day
You’re the type of person that doesn’t understand why nobody finds your sense of humor funny. You also either have a strange obsession with clowns, or you’re the type of person who does something really mean and then tries to pretend it was a joke the whole time, so nobody can get mad at you. Like breaking up with your girlfriend.

Mondays
You like making rash decisions and have mood swings that should probably be medicated. You probably drink too much and think that being drunk is an excuse to be an asshole. Basically, you’re a regular on Twitter.

Summer Holiday
Similar to a Spring Break Breaker Upper, you think you deserve better than you actually do. You thought you’d be more likely to get laid because you’ll be single for a longer period of time, but you failed to recognize that people on summer break are less desperate to get laid than a Spring Breaker. Basically, you’re not going to get laid and you’ll just have longer to realize how sad and pathetic you actually are. Sucks to be you.

Two Weeks Before Christmas
You’re clearly a genius because you recognized that Christmas was coming up and Christmas means presents and family, a horrible combination. You probably like drinking at this holiday and so do I, so maybe we should be friends. If you’re the person that hooked up with my ex-boyfriend that I dumped the day after Thanksgiving who was looking for a rebound and you’re now the one that has to break his heart (again), I’m truly sorry.

Christmas Day
Not only do you have no heart, but you’re also a moron. Most people just need someone else around on Christmas to distract from the fact that they’re going to have to hang out with family all. If you did happen to be dating the person that was expecting for Christmas to basically be the tryout to see how you’d fit in with their family, my apologies. However, you should’ve met their family and been charming and amazing, if only so you could have amazing sex with her later because she’d be so impressed by your family charms. Then, when you dumped her the day AFTER Christmas (so you could have amazing, drunken hook-up sex on New Year’s Eve with the type of girl who dresses up like a slutty nurse for Halloween), her entire family would think it was HER fault you dumped her. Not only that, but all of her future boyfriends would never be able to live up to your charm and you’d go down in history as “the one who got away.”

Either that or you could’ve taken the opportunity to hit on her drunk mom and found a new person to send dick pics to. What were you thinking, Christmas Day Dumper??

Have you ever been dumped (or dumped someone) on these holidays?

view of city from indian rock berkeley always overthinking it

out and about in berkeley

Most of the weekend was spent with my brother and sister in law, who live near Berkeley. They were nice enough to let us camp in their backyard and we explored their neighborhood with them.

tiger mural oakland always overthinking it

Friday night, we met them at a beer garden in Oakland. I’m kind of in love with this tiger mural.

brazilian beer garden berkeley always overthinking it

On Saturday, we went to another beer garden (I’m beginning to see a theme here) to watch the Netherland-Costa Rica soccer game. The beer garden has gigantic steins of beer. There were a ton of people watching the game (they had TVs in the beer garden) and the crowd was pretty rowdy. Later that night, we watched Mortified (a show where people read passages from their journals. It’s hilarious).

nuclear free zone sign berkeley always overthinking it

Sunday morning, we went for an adventurous neighborhood hike where we saw this comforting sign.

view of city from indian rock berkeley always overthinking it

We hiked up to Indian Rock, this gigantic rock (duh) where you can see incredible views of the city. Some people were having a picnic there and others were practicing their rockclimbing skills. The walk there included cutting through people’s neighborhoods via public stairs that were so old and made of rock that it felt like we were in a city in Europe. It was so cool!

old garage berkeley always overthinking it

This garage also made me feel like we were in Europe.

gigantic lemon berkeley always overthinking it

We passed a bunch of fruit trees on our walk, including a lemon tree. Lemonade, anyone?

deer in berkeley neighborhood always overthinking it

This deer got totally lost. As we walked closer to him (or her?), the deer bolted into some trees nearby.

After our epic walk that also included eating tacos at a park, we decided to get coconut sorbet, my sister in law’s favorite (she’s lactose intolerant). I’m not normally a fan of coconut (at least not the flakes; I love coconut milk), but this sorbet was amazing. I may or may not have licked my bowl.

How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting?

mortified always overthinking it

mortified

I hope everyone who celebrated had a happy 4th of July! This weekend B and I visited friends and family in the San Francisco area. We camped in B’s brother’s backyard and while it was so much fun to catch up with his brother and sister in law, it was also amazing because they introduced us to this hilarious documentary called Mortified.

Have you heard of it? The movie is basically a documentary about these live shows (also called Mortified) being put on in cities all across the U.S. where people go on stage and read passages of their journals from when they were younger. The passages are hilarious! They ranged from things like having huge crushes on the cute boy/girl at school to being mad at their parents to struggling with the idea of being gay in a Christian household. Another woman read a story from when she was 10 and helping her mom with her new cleaning business. Mistaking the sounds coming from the upstairs as robbers, she and her mom walked in on their client having sex with two homeless women he’d met volunteering at the homeless shelter. Another guy ended each journal entry with what he wore and ate that day.

Not only do I want to go to a Mortified show, but I totally want to read at one. Would you read your journal aloud to strangers? I think it sounds kind of fun… am I totally crazy?

intersection bakersfield always overthinking it

a walk to see some trains in bakersfield

We’ve spent most of this week in Bakersfield, arriving Tuesday night. After spending nine hours in the car, we pulled up to the hotel at 6pm feeling grumpy, hangry and exhausted. After dinner, B asked if I wanted to take Gypsy for a walk. Wanting to stretch my legs after being in the car for so long, I grabbed my camera and we headed out. We made our way through the oppressive heat. It was 105 degrees Fahrenheit at 8pm. WTF Bakersfield? It was eerily quiet and still outside, similar to the stillness you feel right before a gigantic thunderstorm (if only we’d be so lucky).

empty train yard always overthinking it

B suggested heading to the train tracks a few blocks away to take some train photos.

the end sign alwayas overthinking it

I like signs.

train through fence always overthinking it

Staring at the trains through the chain-link fence made the train station feel even more abandoned and lonely that it already looked.

train tracks always overthinking it

I dug my flip-flops into the fence, my camera awkwardly balanced in one hand as I pulled myself up the fence with the other. I held myself up there for a second, the fence digging into my arms as I snapped a few quick photos. B immediately walked over to me and put his shoulder underneath my thigh and butt to help support me.

tower bakersfield always overthinking it

I also like towers. See the tiny moon in the bottom left?

water tower phoenix always overthinking it

This water tower photo is from our trip to Phoenix where I made that chevron canvas DIY a few weekends ago, but I didn’t share the photo earlier, so…

usa graffiti always overthinking it

I’m still sad USA lost to Belgium.

intersection bakersfield always overthinking it

On our walk back from the train station, I tried taking some photos of cars driving through the intersection to get that cool streaky light effect. I kept fiddling with the dials and settings on my camera, growing more and more frustrated when I couldn’t get the photo to turn out the way I wanted. It’s so much easier with a film camera to take a photo with the shutter open. I eventually gave up, deciding I needed to look at a manual rather than stand out in 105 degree heat at night, B and Gypsy melting beside me.

did you fart meme always overthinking it

So, we came back to our hotel room and I made Gypsy pose for me instead.

I hope you guys have a happy 4th of July (if you celebrate the holiday). Do you have any special plans? B and I are driving up to see his brother and our friend. We’re going to an Oakland A’s game on Friday, so I hope there will be some fireworks. What about you?

the dollhouse diet always overthinking it

the dollhouse diet

It’s officially bikini season and that means I’m on the hunt for the newest diet. But this year, I created my own: The Dollhouse Diet. The Dollhouse Diet will be the newest diet craze to sweep the nation. What’s this new soon-to-be-diet fad, you ask? It’s the cutest form of portion control you’ve ever seen. Everybody loves tiny things (insert penis joke here. Get it? I said insert). I mean, have you seen this video of a tiny hamster eating a tiny burrito?

Just look at that tiny carrot (see photo, above). It’s almost too cute to eat, right? On The Dollhouse Diet, you’ll get to eat tiny food ALL DAY. Your regular knife will cut that carrot into unsightly, mangled slices… not perfectly even, gorgeous, miniature slices. So, feel free to buy tiny knives, plates and cups fit for a dollhouse. OK, let’s talk about how the diet actually works.

Benefits of the diet:

Portion Control

Obviously, because the vegetables are so tiny, you will be forced to eat reasonable amounts of food. By the time you’ve carefully sliced your tomatoes, gingerly added miniature balls of mozzarella and specks of basil to your caprese salad, your stomach will have eaten itself and you’ll need less amounts of salad. Plus, in order to get entirely full, you’ll have to make approximately seven million caprese salads and ain’t nobody got time for that. You’ll probably call it quits around the 1,560th caprese salad and your dishwasher will thank you (since you’re the dishwasher, because your automatic dishwasher would lose all those tiny plates).

No Restrictions

You want a tiny banana split? Go for it? You want a cookie? Bake away! You might want to dig into your kids’ toy sets to find that miniature mixer (do they actually have miniature playset mixers? I’d like one) in order to whip up that carrot cake. If you don’t have a tiny mixer, grate your carrot over your contact case, carefully sprinkle some flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking soda, salt — and that tiny robin’s egg you stole from the nest outside (good work!) and mix away. You’ll have to get crafty to create a baking dish, but tin foil will work in a pinch. Bonus: You won’t have to wait long for your carrot cake to bake! Using some cream cheese specks you found from scraping the remains from your neighbor’s recycled cream cheese tub, whip up some frosting. Using a tiny whisk, add some sprinkles of powdered sugar and a few drops of vanilla extract to create the frosting of your dreams — you can even lick the whisk, don’t hold back.

This diet is all about changing the way you interact with food. It’s so easy to get into the mindless habit of slicing, dicing and chopping that we hardly pay attention to what food we’re actually eating. The Dollhouse Diet changes that. Because you’re forced to slow down and use things like tweezers, tiny knives and eyedroppers, you’ll get to appreciate what food you’re really putting into your mouth. People have become such mindless eaters these days, shoveling handfuls of chips and dip into their mouths, followed by an entire brownie. Some people even “eat their feelings,” which is a disgusting habit where sad people who hate themselves eat foods such as ice cream, chicken wings or In-N-Out burgers until they can no longer feel, or move. Others prefer to “drink their feelings,” which is where they consume massive amounts of alcohol in order to no longer feel, thus forgetting for a moment about their sad, pathetic lives and the fact that they’re probably fat.

Speaking of drinking your feelings, alcohol is allowed on this diet. But, you must drink your wine out of a tiny wine glass — and why would you miss an opportunity to use a tiny glass anyway? Using an eyedropper, measure out microscopic amounts of liquid into your miniature wine glass. Drink away! You’ll be able to drink Ned from the office under the table. Did you say six glasses of wine? Try 16,000!

Cost

The Dollhouse Diet will save you thousands of dollars! Everybody needs to save money these days, thanks to the economy — and the best way to save is by eating less. Because there is (sadly) no such thing as cows the size of a nickel, this diet means you don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on steak — only hundreds of pennies. If you feel silly asking your local meat guy for a dime-sized portion of that bison steak, do what I do: Go to your local fast food joint. Bring your tweezers and some vials to pick the tiny food specks out of the wrappers from people’s discarded hamburgers. If you’re eating food scraps from your neighbor’s recycling, or meat from your local fast-food joint, you’re obviously going to be able to use your portion of your paycheck on what really matters: Netflix.

If you want to save even more money — and have a hand in where your food comes from — you could grow your tiny vegetables yourself in a window box. If a window box isn’t available to you as an option (because you’re lazy), ask your local farmer’s market if they can spare some premature vegetables for you. They might even give them to you for free! If that doesn’t work, lots of fancy restaurants are using tiny vegetables as a garnish on their dishes, so just go into a restaurant and ask diners if you can take their garnishes. People always push the garnish aside anyway (I’m looking at you parsley), so the diners shouldn’t mind at all.

The Dollhouse Diet is cheap, healthy and will get you into your bikini in no time. Plus, you get to look at tiny vegetables all day. Really, what more could you ask for?